Organization Seeking Entry-Level

By Ann

Did I mention I’m looking for jobs right now? Sometimes, this is what that feels like:

Organization Seeking Entry-Level Administrative Assistant

Are you up for a challenge? Our organization is seeking a motivated, self-starter to serve in an entry-level administrative assistant role.

Posting Date: Today.

Start Date: Yesterday. Your application is now late.


– Answer the phone and man the front desk

– Perform administrative organizational tasks

– Maintain all databases with up-to-date information

– Manage organization’s online presence

– Write and design daily newsletter

– E-mail that daily newsletter to everyone we have ever worked with in any capacity

– Print out that daily newsletter and mail a hard copy to those same people

– Find those people, go up to them individually, and ask, “Hey, did you get that newsletter I sent you?”

– If they seem evasive, narrow your eyes and say, “I know you got it. Go back and read it. Carefully.”

– They probably won’t. But that’s why God invented stalking. Get to it.

– Additional responsibilities include: graphic design, video production, coding our website, doing our laundry, cooking our meals, and dancing without pants for the CEO’s entertainment.


We have offices in Washington, DC; New York, NY; Seattle, Washington; and throughout Mexico. The ideal candidate will be able to travel between all of the above and also to Narnia, where he or she will be expected to end the endless winter. Travel will not be reimbursed.


– Ability to work minimum of 70 hours per week, as well as nights and weekends as required, without notice, consideration, or reasonable compensation.

– High-level proficiency with Microsoft Office; Adobe Creative Suite; Video editing software including Final Cut Pro, iMovie, and all the other programs we can’t be bothered to look up at the moment, but will hold you accountable for; Coding expertise in HTML, XML, CSS, TEI, XQL, DFQUIBBLY, FIZZBOT, and RTTTRRTTTRRRRRRR

– 10-15 years professional experience as an entry-level administrative assistant

– A Bachelor’s Degree in a related field

– An additional Bachelor’s Degree in an unrelated field to show your varied interests

– A Masters in Marine Biology because most of us like fish

– A PhD in Comparative Literature (a published dissertation reflecting on The Tale of Genji’s cross-cultural influence is PREFERRED, but not required)

– A positive attitude and basic lack of self-respect is a must. If you come in with daddy issues, we can get you the rest of the way.


Nothing. Go kill yourself.

How To Write Your Own Cosmo Sex Tips

By Ann

Are you looking to turn up the volume in the bedroom and tired of waiting every month for Cosmo to tell you how? Look no further! With this simple how-to guide, you’ll be writing your own Cosmo sex tips in no time. Here’s everything you need to unleash the creativity of your inner goddess upon your unsuspecting partner.

Before you can become a true sex tip master, you’ll have to do your research. Luckily, it won’t take very long. Cosmo sex tips fall into three general categories. They are as follows:

A. The Physically Impossible

This category consists of tips that are best performed by double-jointed gymnasts with a death wish. Cosmo usually has at least a couple of these per issue, but this one is all you need to understand the category:

“If you and your guy are feeling adventurous, here’s a challenge: Have him sit on the couch, his legs stretched out and slightly parted, knees bent, and feet resting on a hard surface, like a coffee table. Stand behind the couch and, leaning over, place your elbows on either side of his hips as you lower your head between his thighs. With the majority of your weight supported by your elbows, place your knees on the back of the couch, so you’re straddling his face.” (February 2012)

And that’s just the main event. For some smoldering foreplay, puzzle over the diagram you’ve drawn of how on God’s earth you’re going to attempt this. Afterwards, get your romantic cuddle on in the ER while waiting to get your spinal injuries treated.

B. The Fail Safe: When in doubt, touch his balls.

It’s true. Cosmo really wants you to touch your guy’s balls. Now, granted, we’re all only working with so much equipment here, but I’m always impressed with just how often Cosmo manages to wedge in a ball sack. So much so that I’ve started to wonder if their sex column isn’t just written by one guy whose relationship went south because his girlfriend refused to fiddle with his nutsack. But they can’t just tell you that. That would be weird for you. So, instead, they invest in feisty lingo to disguise the fact that a good 75% of their advice is to make contact with your gent’s testicles.

And ladies, as long as you’re making contact with balls, Cosmo is pretty sure you can do anything your little heart desires: pet them, flick them, lick them, slap them with a spatula and yell, “Boy howdy!”

According to Cosmo, you can do no wrong with your boyfriend’s balls. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, might have other ideas about that. But who are you gonna trust here? The guy whose balls you’re fondling, or Cosmo? That question was rhetorical, and the answer was Cosmo.

C. The Downright Surreal

This is, by far, my favorite category of Cosmo sex tips. No doubt, it is a struggle to produce a catalog of fresh sex tips month after month. No, really, after witnessing some of this bizarre advice, I have no doubt. You won’t either. This is the category of tip in which Cosmo makes that blatantly transparent. When reading these over, I can never decide what’s more satisfying to visualize: the sex tip writer banging her head against the keyboard, or the horrified face of the man unlucky enough to take a Cosmo reader to bed.

Generally, the surreal Cosmo tip involves strange props, a fundamental misconception of what most people consider a turn-on, and/or destroying you and your partner’s worldly possessions. I’ve seen advice involving frozen grapes and pearl necklaces that would make you wince, but here are some of my personal favorites:

“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” (Aug 2012) Better yet, don’t warn him about the fact that you’re planning to bring cutlery into your love life. Just hide a fork under his pillow, whip it out during foreplay, and smile a crazy smile. Make sure to say something sexy like, “HELL YEAH, SUPPER’S ON!”

“Blindfold him, then give him bitchy directions (‘Touch me here. No, not there, here’). When you can’t be seen, the bossy badass can come out.” (Aug 2012) Oh, yeah, bitchy directions. Mmm, that’s the sexiest kind of directions: “Stop being so ugly. I said, stop being so ugly! Jesus, you’re not very good at this, are you? Now, cry for me. I said, CRY for me, failure boy! Good, gooood, right into this soup bowl. Now, watch me drink your overly-salty tears.”

“Tie his silk tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky hand job.” (Aug 2012) Never mind that it cost him $50. Guys love it when you take their prized possessions and destroy them.

“Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad, and I need a spanking.” (Aug 2012) Yes, you heard it here first, folks. Professor Wankerton for the win. Alternately, try other surreal nicknames that are sure to make his freak flag fly, such as Sergeant Dickasaurus, Commodore Penis-face, and Captain Winkypants.

“Let him write ‘Property of [his name]’ on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day reminder that he is your ‘master,’ which is awesomely kinky.” (Aug 2012) Oooh, steamy. That’ll take you back to the hottest time of all, when ladies were men’s property. For an extra sexy treat, see if you can organize your most attractive lady-friends into repealing a woman’s right to vote. Let him watch as you march on DC and duke it out with appalled congresswomen. Cat-fight in pantsuits, anyone?

“Climb on top, and play with just the tip for a few minutes. Then get up, grab some water, and leaving him hanging. When you finally take all of him, it’ll feel like sensory overload.” (Dec 2011) That’s true. Nothing says sexy like sheer indifference. To mix things up, next time you try this trick, don’t come back at all. Pair this with mind-blowing dirty talk like: “Boy, I’m thirsty! . . . Goodbye forever, John.”

“Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube then cover it with the coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.” (Aug 2012) And covering your snatch with pennies? The height of decadence. Listen, ladies, you’re about to feel like the sexy Queen of England, dripping in the spoils of your country’s treasury. Or, barring that, a parking meter.

Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body.” ( Because I don’t know about you, reader, but whenever I get turned on, my mind immediately goes to raw fish. And being covered in it. Combine this with the coins tip, and once he’s done with his meal, your vulva can give him change.

Congratulations, you’ve done your research! You now know everything you need to write your very own Cosmo sex tips. Remember, go for anything that is (a) physically impossible, (b) testicle-oriented, or (c) so freaking crazy that just reading about it makes you want to scream uncontrollably. For the best possible results, combine all of the above.


Physically Impossible:

Move your kitchen table directly under a ceiling fan. Then, get your guy to stand on top of the table on one leg like a sexy flamingo. Climb up there with him, straddle him around the waist with your legs, grab the ceiling fan blades with your hands for support, and have at it! At the height of your climax, turn on the fan. Don’t let go. If you’ve done it right, what happens next should thoroughly destroy a bookshelf and kill both of you.

Physically Impossible + Surreal:

Buy an old tape recorder off eBay. Record yourself screaming, “Yeeha!” into it. Then, for an extra sexy surprise, shove it up your hoo-ha, angling the playback button downward. At the height of the action, angle your hips upwards so that the tip of his shaft will trigger your recording at just the right moment. There’s nothing like hearing a mysterious voice screaming at him from inside your vagina to send him over the edge.

Physically Impossible + Surreal + Testicle-Oriented:

Grab him by the balls. Lean in and, using your huskiest voice, whisper in his ear, “I’ve been bad, Captain Winkypants. Cover me in your loose change and pocket lint, knot a silk tie around your penis so it looks fancy, and take me like an animal inside your grandma’s washing machine.” Can you say, “Machine Wash HOT?”

And there you have it. Now you’re a pro. Remember, the sky’s the limit! Lord knows Cosmo uses as little judgment as possible in putting these together, and it seems to work for them.

Every Batman Movie in Thirty Seconds

By Shawn

Every Other Protagonist: Christian Bale, this city is in trouble. What this city needs is a symbol.

Christian Bale: That symbol can only be me in a bat costume.

Other Protagonist: Have you thought about whether that’s really what this city needs?

Christian Bale: Not carefully, no. But that’s what I’m doing.

Other Protagonist: I have reservations about that, and will express concerns about your safety. But go ahead.

(Christian Bale does, and encounters setback.)

Christian Bale: I’ve encountered a setback, and now I’m not even sure I should be Batman.

Other Protagonist: I also have doubts about whether you should be Batman. AND here’s troubling information that affects the non-Batman parts of your life.

Christian Bale: Then I guess I have no choice but to be emo in exotic locations.

(Villain does evil things.)

Other Protagonist: Things got worse while you were being emo in the sands of/jungles of/waters of wherever-the-hell. In hindsight, I think you should probably be Batman.

Christian Bale: But I can’t be Batman. I have “I’m letting myself go” facial hair and I desperately need a training montage.

Other Protagonist: I think the real issue is that you haven’t confronted whatever’s stopping you from being Batman, which is probably linked to the issues that first made you decide to be Batman. Also, I still have doubts about whether you should be Batman. But you should be. Probably.

Christian Bale: This conversation is for whatever reason all the motivation I need to confront my fears and be Batman.

(Christian Bale defeats villain.)

Other Protagonist: Wow, you really beat the crap out of whomever. I guess it’s good that you’re Batman. Maybe.

Christian Bale: Yes, now certainly is an appropriate time for some vague reflections on the moral complexities of law enforcement/being Batman. But one thing’s for sure. After this, I’m definitely not going to be Batman again. Unless, of course, this scenario WERE TO REPEAT ITSELF EXACTLY OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

How to Write a Slate Article

By Shawn

For those of you who aren’t familiar with, Slate is a “news” site that specializes in needlessly contrarian articles on nothing. Even though I know better, I check the site from time to time, and occasionally they come up with a headline that gets the better of me.

Recently, for example, they posted an article entitled, “Could Asteroid Mining Plan Violate Space Law?”* I saw this, and I thought to myself, “Alright, Slate. You got me. My curiosity is piqued. But if the conclusion of this article is, ‘No one knows, because there’s no such thing as Space Law,’ I’m never going to forgive you.”

Well, guess what. From the last page of the article: “Whichever interpretation you prefer, it is clear that there is no international regime explicitly governing asteroid mining.” I hate you, Slate. I hate everything you stand for. Why would you get me excited about Space Law and then tell me there’s no Space Law?

That whole article was a cynical exercise in toying with my heart. And that’s why I’m giving away Slate’s secrets. I’ve discovered that every Slate article follows a predictable pattern:

1.) Provocative, counterintuitive headline.
2.) Brief statement of case for counterintuitive thing.
3.) Quotations from underqualified bozos who think counterintuitive thing.
4.) Quotation from an actual expert who affirms conventional wisdom and makes you wonder why you ever read the article.
5.) Stupid throwaway line about the importance of the issue for the future.

Now that you know this, you can easily write your own Slate-style articles. Here’s  a short example I’ve thrown together:

Is Sesame Street Too Sexy for Your Toddler?

Sesame Street is one of the most beloved programs on television, praised by parents and educators alike for its positive message and successful inculcation of basic math and literacy skills. But a growing chorus of bozos argue the show is too sexually explicit for children.

“That Big Bird is just tooooo sexy,” said Peter Walton, a madman we found in a barn. “What with them big sexy chicken legs. Stop dressin’ so sexy, ya big sexy chicken!”

David Henderson, a child psychologist whose major qualification is a fake degree he scrawled on a napkin, seconds Walton’s assessment. “COOKIE MONSTER SEXY SEXY I LOVE DELICIOUS LSD, M’BOY!!!”

But some argue that this is an extremely contrived non-story. “This seems like an extremely contrived non-story,” said Sarah Eagleton, the first normal person we talked to. “Why would you write an article on this?”

One thing’s for sure. Whichever side you take, the heated debate about Sesame Street isn’t going away any time soon.

* Link:

Tumblr Memes, I Will Conquer You

By Shawn

I’ve become impressed by the number of Tumblr memes that have gone viral. Some of them are pretty amusing. As I result, I’ve become determined to try my own hand at this. And I think I’ve worked out the basic formula for Tumblr meme success:

animals or celebrities + whatever the hell = winning at the Internet

All I have to do is apply this formula, and the accolades are sure to start rolling in.

Shawn: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Shawn.

Adoring Stranger: Wait a second. Surely not the Shawn who photoshopped all those animals and/or celebrities doing whatever the hell?

Shawn: The one and the same.

Adoring Stranger: Sir, if it isn’t too forward, I’d like to buy you some money.

Shawn: Why go right ahead!

I can’t imagine that going any other way. So here, without further ado, is my first stab at this:

Squirrels with Awesome Facial Hair

Pop Songs as Sonnets #4: Cee-Lo — F**k You

By Shawn

I spy thy coach; it driveth ’round the town,
And with thee is a wench belov’d by me—
Alack! Hot tears cannot my sorrows drown.
That shit’s messed up, and so I say, fie thee.
True, thou dost me exceed in finery.
Yea, I confess my change-purse holds no coins.
But had I jewels and men in livery,
I’d still have access to thy lady’s loins.
To think what silken shawls and comely blouses
I purchased for that most ill-favored sow!
God grant my prayers, a plague on both your houses—
Forsooth, I really hate thy ass right now.
I can’t believe that she’d do this to me.
I’m like, fie thee, and also fie on she.

What He Doesn’t Need To Know…

By Ann

Oh, hi again, Cosmo. It’s me, Ann. You know that I occasionally have a bone or two to pick with you. Well, that’s all water under the bridge now because I was flipping through your March 2012 issue the other day and stumbled upon some relationship advice that has changed my life.

How? I’ll tell you how. You see, there’s an article in this issue entitled, “Shhh. What He Doesn’t Need to Know.”  In this article you advocate three relationship-saving secrets that every woman should keep from her man in order to remain “alluring”:

Tip #1: Don’t tell him what you do on nights apart.

“Maybe you’re just hanging out with the girls, but for all he knows, you’re out having crazy adventures… If you’re in a new relationship, be vague about going out. And if he asks you outright about your plans, you can even be a bit coy. Say, ‘Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, but I look forward to seeing you later,’ and leave it at that.”

Good point, Cosmo. If he knew what you were really doing, he might figure out the kinds of activities you enjoy. No good can come from that kind of tedious oversharing. Here’s how I imagine this tip working in practice:

Guy: Hey, had a good night hanging out with my friend, Tom. We should find some time for you to meet him and the rest of my old high school friends. They said they wanted to get to know you now that we’ve been dating for awhile. What did you get up to tonight?

Girl: Wouldn’t you like to know? 😉

Guy: Yeah, that’s why I asked. Did you wind up going to trivia night like you mentioned?

Girl: Mayyyyyybe. 😉

Guy: So… you didn’t go?

Girl: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. 😉

Guy: No, but seriously. What did you do tonight?

Girl: Lol, nice try, John. You’ll never know. 😉

Guy: …Are you cheating on me?

Girl: 😀

Tip #2: Hide your cool skills and special abilities so that you can surprise him with them at random moments.

“‘Continually pulling out secret talents or knowledge keeps him at the edge of his seat,’ says Murray [a relationship expert]… Perhaps you’ve been taking an online Spanish class. Keep it quiet, plan a date at a Mexican restaurant, and blow him away when you order in Spanish.”

Another good point, Cosmo. After all, there’s nothing sexier than ducking his attempts to get to know you. It’s even better if he thinks he does and then finds out he’s wrong. For example:

Guy: So, I’m still concerned you might be cheating on me, but I can’t get an answer one way or the other from you so I guess it must be fine.

Girl: It might be. Or it might not. 😉

Guy: Well, que sera sera.

Girl: That phrase is silly. The words are Spanish, but the grammar is wrong.

Guy: What? You don’t speak Spanish. I speak Spanish. I asked you if you did and you said you took Latin in high school.

Girl: I lied. I speak seven languages. (Proceeds to give sample of each)

Guy: What? Wow. Now we really have to take a trip to Europe sometime. With your command of all those languages, it’s a shame you’ve never been out of the country.

Girl: I lied about that, too. I’ve been to almost every country. The ravioli I’m about to serve us for dinner? I learned that recipe in Bologna.

Guy: But you said you couldn’t cook!

Girl: Also a lie.

Guy: But you just let me order a pizza for us. You said you didn’t have any food in the house for dinner.

Girl: I know. Are you impressed with me yet?

Guy: What? No. What’s happening? …Are you an international spy who’s cheating on me?

Girl: 😀

Tip #3: Never reveal your insecurities.

“As soon as you hint to your S.O. that you’re not feeling your best, it diminishes your appearance of being sexy and in charge, and it makes him suddenly see you as a work in progress—neither of which is going to ignite a lusty inferno in your relationship.”

Yes, that makes good sense, too. Of course, he will interpret your honesty as a sign of weakness. Why didn’t I see it all before? Why share the occasional moment of vulnerability that could bring you together when, instead, you could maintain the terrifying façade of a relentless superhuman who has no feelings? Ultimately, I see this as the cherry on top of the mystery sundae:

Guy: Listen, Laura, we really need to talk. I’m starting to feel a little depressed that you might be an international spy who is cheating on me.

Girl: I can’t relate to that.

Guy: What? You’ve never been depressed?

Girl: I have no emotions. I have no weakness. I exude only mystery and allure.

Guy: Seriously? You’ve never felt sad?

Girl: Wouldn’t you like to know? Too bad you never will because my plane for Russia leaves in forty-five minutes. Hmm, time’s getting tight. I’ll have to fly my roof helicopter to the airport. Did you know that I can fly helicopters? Did you know that I had one on the roof? You do now. Or do you? Take nothing for granted. What if it’s all another lie? What’s real, John? Am I real, John? Are you? Can you prove that this relationship ever happened?  Maybe you’re in the Matrix right now.

Guy: Sweet Jesus, are you a cyborg as well as an international spy who is cheating on me?

Girl: Yes. No. Maybe. Probably. Definitely. Never. BOOM. MINDFUCK. IS OUR LOVE A LUSTY INFERNO YET?

Yes, that all sounds about right.

Why have trust when you could trick your unsuspecting partner into thinking you’re a Cyborg Carmen Sandiego who runs around the world boning everyone but him?

And he thought all he wanted was an intimate honest connection? That idiot. You and Cosmo will show him, all right.

How My Id Persuades Me to Do Stupid Things

By Shawn

At Burger King, an intense internal deliberation begins.

Shawn: Hmm… Should I just get a Whopper?

Shawn’s Id: That’s not gonna be enough, is it?

Shawn: What, you think I should get a Double Whopper?

Id: Please. Try to think big here.

Shawn: A Triple Whopper? You can’t be serious.

Id: I’m dead serious.

Shawn: But the Triple Whopper is a disgusting meat pile. It contains over 1100 calories and my entire daily fat intake.

Id: You only live once.

Shawn: And I was kinda hoping to keep doing it for a while.

Id: Look, whether or not that sandwich would hasten your death is besides the point.

Shawn: Objection.

Id: Overruled. The real question you should be asking yourself is, what would former WWF wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage do?

Shawn: Why is that the relevant metric?

Id: Proposition 1. Macho Man Randy Savage is completely awesome.

Shawn: Agreed.

Id: Proposition 2. Anything someone completely awesome does or would do is awesome by extension.

Shawn: Alright.

Id: Proposition 3. Less awesome things become more awesome when they act in awesome ways.

Shawn: Sure.

Id: Proposition 4. You are less awesome than Macho Man Randy Savage.

Shawn: Granted.

Id: Proposition 5. You would be more awesome if you did whatever Macho Man Randy Savage would do.

Shawn: I think I see where this is going.

Id: Conclusion. You ought to do whatever Macho Man Randy Savage would do in any situation whatsoever all the time always.

Shawn: I guess that is the relevant metric.

Id: And what would Randy Savage do if he were here?

Shawn: He’d scream manly nonsense, I imagine.

Id: And amidst his manly gibbering, what  sandwich would he bellow for?

Shawn: The Triple Whopper.

Id: Which means you should order…?

Shawn: Sigh. Fine. A Triple Whopper it is.

Id: Attaboy!

Shawn: … Didn’t Macho Man Randy Savage die of a heart attack?

Id: Maybe. Shut up and eat your hamburger.

Haikus in Honor of Comcast

By Shawn


Hello, I need help.

My internet doesn’t work.

Right. Yes, I can hold.


Hi. Good, how are you?

Yes, my internet is out.

It’s been out all day.


Reset the router?

Okay, I’ll give it a try.

No, that didn’t do it.


Reset it again?

Okay, but I just did that.

Guess what? Still broken.


Which light do you mean?

At the top of the router?

Still orange like before.


I reset it twice.

We know now that does not help.

Any other thoughts?


It’s orange. It’s still orange.

It’s going to stay orange unless

you try something else.


I won’t reset it.

Third time is not the charm here.

Check things on your end.


Okay, fine, I’ll hold.

… Hi there. My account is what?

Why can’t you find it?


Huh? Transfer me where?

No, I’m in Connecticut.

My phone number’s just–


I’m on a cellphone.

It’s a Maryland number,

but I’m living here.


No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I have the same address.

I’d know if I moved.


Well, that’s pretty odd,

’cause you’ve been mailing me bills.

Ah, great, you’ve found it.


Still orange. You know why?

Because nothing has happened

here that would change that.


What? No, of course not.

I don’t have a spare router.

Why would I have that?



Please have a new idea,

I am begging you.


Oh, for the love of–




Okay, look, can you–

Can you send someone out here?

Yes, I would like that.


My address? But I–

I thought we just sorted that–

What? But… Fine, I’ll hold.