By Shawn

I spy thy coach; it driveth ’round the town,
And with thee is a wench belov’d by me—
Alack! Hot tears cannot my sorrows drown.
That shit’s messed up, and so I say, fie thee.
True, thou dost me exceed in finery.
Yea, I confess my change-purse holds no coins.
But had I jewels and men in livery,
I’d still have access to thy lady’s loins.
To think what silken shawls and comely blouses
I purchased for that most ill-favored sow!
God grant my prayers, a plague on both your houses—
Forsooth, I really hate thy ass right now.
I can’t believe that she’d do this to me.
I’m like, fie thee, and also fie on she.

By Shawn

 

Hello, I need help.

My internet doesn’t work.

Right. Yes, I can hold.

 

Hi. Good, how are you?

Yes, my internet is out.

It’s been out all day.

 

Reset the router?

Okay, I’ll give it a try.

No, that didn’t do it.

 

Reset it again?

Okay, but I just did that.

Guess what? Still broken.

 

Which light do you mean?

At the top of the router?

Still orange like before.

 

I reset it twice.

We know now that does not help.

Any other thoughts?

 

It’s orange. It’s still orange.

It’s going to stay orange unless

you try something else.

 

I won’t reset it.

Third time is not the charm here.

Check things on your end.

 

Okay, fine, I’ll hold.

… Hi there. My account is what?

Why can’t you find it?

 

Huh? Transfer me where?

No, I’m in Connecticut.

My phone number’s just–

 

I’m on a cellphone.

It’s a Maryland number,

but I’m living here.

 

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I have the same address.

I’d know if I moved.

 

Well, that’s pretty odd,

’cause you’ve been mailing me bills.

Ah, great, you’ve found it.

 

Still orange. You know why?

Because nothing has happened

here that would change that.

 

What? No, of course not.

I don’t have a spare router.

Why would I have that?

 

I WON’T RESET IT.

Please have a new idea,

I am begging you.

 

Oh, for the love of–

ORANGE. THE COLOR OF FAILURE.

TIME WON’T MAKE IT GREEN.

 

Okay, look, can you–

Can you send someone out here?

Yes, I would like that.

 

My address? But I–

I thought we just sorted that–

What? But… Fine, I’ll hold.

By Shawn

Yea when I walk on by a maiden fair,
I feel her blushing gaze doth follow me,
And rest upon my ample derriere,
Which clad in an’mal print much tempteth she.
I’m in a Speedo tryin’ t’ tan my cheeks
And every passing lass is on me soon.
I know it is my codpiece that they seek,
For I have passion in my pantaloons.
O wench I bid thee look upon that body—
The normal rules of sexy it doth flout.
Aye, thou wilt quite agree it be not shoddy;
I’ll have thee know ’tis ’cause I oft work out.
I’m proud of my great rump and would fain show it.
I tell thee, maid, I’m comely and I know it.

By Shawn

‘Tis Friday morn; the boist’rous cock doth crow,
And down the stairs I spring to take my meal.
The hour grows late and to the bus I go–
I spy my friends and muse on how I feel:
To kick it in the front seat of yon coach,
Or ‘stead to rest my feet up in the back?
To be in front, or be in back the coach,
That is the question (for Rebecca Black).
‘Twas Thursday ere the sun rose up this dawn.
‘Tis Friday now, and if ye hark this rhyme,
I’ll tell thee broadly of my goings-on,
And keep thee posted ’bout the current time.
‘Tis Friday, and with joy we greet this day–
Yeah party party fun fun fun fun yay!

By Shawn

Fair Usher, I would have a word with thee.
— Pray, Kells, tell all; I’ll gladly hear thee speak.
I’ve met a maid whose aspect charmeth me.
She’s named T.T. and hath a rosy cheek.
— Alack! Black day! This cannot be the truth!
What sayest thou? Thy homie bids thee tell!
— I too have bed this wench; my phone holds proof!
My heart, it burns with all the fires of hell!
— R. Kelly, friend, we must avenge this slight.
I’ll call her up, and thou wilt stay concealed;
She’ll get into the airport late tonight;
We’ll ambush her and all will be revealed!
O what a wicked, cruel, and heartless churl!
To think that we had messed with the same girl!