Tag: adulting

A Beginner’s Guide to Accidentally Alarming Your Spouse

By Ann

What you will need:

  • A profound level of exhaustion
  • A series of disconcerting decisions
  • Your unsuspecting spouse

 

Steps:

  1. Get home after long hard day.
  2. Immediately retreat to bedroom.
  3. In your hurry to get into bed, forget to turn on lights.
  4. Set yourself up with a heating pad and prepare to watch TV.
  5. Be so tired, forget to turn on heating pad.
  6. Sit there so long the sun sets and now you’re in the dark.
  7. Hope your Amazon firestick crashes right as spouse comes in to check on you.
  8. Spouse finds you sitting in the dark, lying on an unplugged heating pad, staring at blank TV screen.
  9. Mission accomplished.

Houses Fix Themselves, Right?

By Ann

A couple weeks ago, our thermostat broke.

I noticed when it got really cold.

My husband also noticed when he got home from work, and it was really cold.

Him: Sweetie, I think there’s something wrong with the thermostat.

Me: Oh, yeah. It’s broken.

Him: What do you mean it’s broken? Did you put new batteries in it?

Me: Yeah. And they didn’t work, so…

Him: So… were you going to do anything about this?

Me: I mean, I put on a sweater.

Him: No. If the thermostat’s broken, we need to get it fixed, right?

Me: Oh. Right.

Him: Because that’s what normal people do. When things break.

Me: Right, right.

Then, we called out the repair person, and I had another conversation with eerily similar themes…

RP: I see the problem! See this battery plate? It’s caked over with some residue, so the new batteries aren’t able to transfer the charge. I’ll just clean that off, and it should be good as new! (Cleans it off. Thermostat turns on.) Yep, there we go! Good as—hold up, what’s this? (Thermostat’s numbers glitch out so that it’s impossible to read.)

Me: Oh, yeah, no worries, it’s been like that.

RP: What? How long have you been using it like this?

Me: Not that long. Just, um… a few…

RP: Days?

Me: No…

RP: Weeks?

Me: Months. Several months.

RP: Are you serious? How can you even read this screen?

Me: Well, you can’t really. But see that half a number that shows through there? If you look at that, you can kind of guess.

RP: …

Me: And then, if you get it wrong, you can definitely tell in an hour or two.

RP: Um.

Me: Because boy does it get uncomfortable. You know?

RP: Right. That’s because your thermostat is broken.

Me: I see.

RP: It’s been broken for several months.

Me: I see.

RP: You need a new thermostat. Because I can’t do anything with this.

Me: I see.

The good news is we got a new thermostat. So problem solved, right?

But then, a couple days later, my husband is looking out the window…

Him: Hey, is there something lying on the ground over there?

Me: Hmm? Oh, yeah. That’s been there.

Him: What is it?

Me: I dunno. I guess a piece of the house.

Him: A piece of the house.

Me: I assume so.

Him: How long has that been there?!

Me: I dunno. At least a couple…

Him: Days?

Me: Um. No…

Him: GODDAMMIT, SWEETIE.

It occurs to me, there might be some sort of trend here.

Haikus to My Ineptitude

By Ann

Because, as we know,

Being a grown up is hard.

Harder when you’re dumb…

If I could count the

Countless times I found too late

My shirt was backwards.

Out of socks again.

I could simply do laundry,

But we know I won’t.

Now I work from home.

What is this so-called sunlight

Others talk about?

Cookies for dinner

Is not a healthy choice, but

Nothing can stop me.

Yet another plant

Gifted to me, so unwise,

Soon I will kill you.

Don’t judge me, Netflix.

Of course I am still watching.

You know this damn well.

I cannot get up.

There is a cat upon me.

Yes, a good excuse.