By Shawn
Inauguration Day is here, and it’s time to celebrate our nation’s first orange president with appropriately Trump-themed fashion! With the help of Adobe Photoshop, I’ve thrown together some fresh looks you can sport to usher in the coming Dark Age in style!
By Ann
Anxiety: Hey, bud, wanna think about the fuuuuuture?
Me: No. It’s 1:30am.
Anxiety: That’s the perfect time to think about the fuuuuuture, when everyone else is asleep and no one can hear you scream.
Me: Come on, Anxiety, this is a played out trope. We don’t have to do this. Mix things up. You could be on my side this time?
Anxiety: I am on your side, buddy! I just want what’s best for you.
Me: Okay. Great.
Anxiety: And what’s best for you is considering all the ways everything you’ve ever done or not done could come back to destroy you.
Me: I’ve got an idea. Let’s focus on deep breathing: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2—
Anxiety: I’ve got another idea. Everyone you’ve ever loved is going to die.
Me: Oh, come on!
Anxiety: What? I don’t want them to. I’m just saying, they definitely will. Every single one. That’s the circle of life, you know.
Me: Yeah, okay. Probably not for awhile, though.
Anxiety: Well, you don’t know that. They could die any time.
Me: They probably won’t.
Anxiety: That’s arbitrary optimism. Life is a hideous soup of chaos. You could wake up tomorrow and one of your parents could have died in the night.
Me: I don’t think that’s—
Anxiety: What would you do without your parents? That would be so traumatic.
Me: We don’t have to think about this right now.
Anxiety: You’ll have to think about it sometime. There’s no way your parents will outlive you. Unless…!
Me: Do we have to jump to—?
Anxiety: You could die, too. At any time. You could be walking outside and BAM, TREE BRANCH TO THE HEAD! That could kill you, you know.
Me: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Anxiety: Remember, hideous chaos soup.
Me: I know it’s not impossible. Just, statistically speaking—
Anxiety: Oh, you want to talk about the most statistically likely ways to die? I know lots about that. Heart disease, cancer… you could get hit by a car! Do you know how dangerous driving is? If you die young, that’s probably how you’ll die.
Me: Well, I really can’t control that, so let’s just hope it’s quick and that’s the end of that, okay?
Anxiety: Okay, you’re right. Let’s focus on things you can control. Since you could die at any time, I hope you’re satisfied with how you’re living each and every day. Would you say that you’re 100% satisfied?
Me: No one is 100% satisfied.
Anxiety: Someone better than you is.
Me: Okay. Settle down.
Anxiety: I can’t settle down. Every second you’re lying here not working on your goals is another second all your dreams could die.
Me: I should sleep now, so I can do better work tomorrow.
Anxiety: Sounds like quitter-talk to me, but if that’s what quitter-you thinks is best…
Me: I do think that’s what’s best. So just shut up, okay? You’re not helping. Shut up.
Anxiety: …
Me: …
Anxiety: Hey, what time is it?
Me: I don’t care.
Anxiety: Wow, now it’s past 2am. That’s a lot of time you’ve just been lying here.
Me: I’m doing my best.
Anxiety: Lying here doing nothing…
Me: I’m trying to sleep!
Anxiety: Tick tock, motherfucker.
Me: Stop it. STOP IT. Deep breathing: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 6, 5, 4—
Anxiety: Pretty sure you’re supposed to count to 8.
Me: It doesn’t matter what I count to. 1, 2, 3—
Anxiety: Did I mention everyone you love could die?
Me: That’s it. I’m playing goddamn Candy Crush.
By Shawn
WASHINGTON – This morning, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced the nomination of Dr. Steven Ixxxzyx to head NASA, a surprise move that has caught both his supporters and critics off-guard. A figure little known to the Washington establishment, Mr. Trump claims that Dr. Ixxxzyx will bring a fresh outsider’s perspective to an agency that has become overly preoccupied with partisan, political issues, such as climate change.
Insiders close to the transition team say that Dr. Ixxxzyx was not among the initial list of candidates to lead the agency, but Mr. Trump began hearing the name chanted quietly at night as he attempted to fall asleep. Becoming increasingly interested in “this guy I keep hearing about,” Mr. Trump had his team locate Dr. Ixxxzyx and arrange a meeting.
Over a sumptuous dinner at Jean Georges, Dr. Ixxxzyx reportedly impressed Mr. Trump with repetitive, guttural bleatings of “O great one, I will serve you,” convincing the president-elect that he would demonstrate the degree of loyalty Mr. Trump expects from his appointees.
Mr. Trump (left) and Dr. Ixxxzyx dining at Jean Georges. The president-elect reportedly enjoyed a bowl of garlic soup, while Dr. Ixxxzyx ordered several courses of “Snails, more SNAILS!!”
Dr. Ixxxzyx, who holds a degree in “Human Science” from the University of [Untranslatable Cacophony], expressed his eagerness to take on the job in a press conference held earlier today. “Am grateful to foolish orange hair-beast. Can now proceed to Phase Two. Praise be to local deities and country,” the doctor told reporters.
At the conference, Dr. Ixxxzyx also forcefully rebutted concerns that he lacks the qualifications to succeed in the position. “Am much qualified. Am not member of dying race wanting to survive by mating with humans. Will make no hybrids to conquer anything.”
If confirmed, Dr. Ixxxzyx plans to steer the agency away from its recent emphasis on unmanned exploration, focusing instead on missions crewed via a country-wide search for “nubile” candidates with “ovaries unblemished.”
While many agree that NASA is due for shake-up, a number of critics question Dr. Ixxxzyx’s ability to serve as an effective director. “The guy’s a fucking alien,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-NY). “I mean, he’s wearing a fake mustache, but it’s still really, really obvious. What is even happening anymore?”
Although most ranking Democrats are opposed to Dr. Ixxxzyx’s nomination, they admit they are unlikely to put up much of a fight. “Honestly, we’ve got to pick our battles, what with Rex Tillerson, Jeff Sessions, and Steve Mnuchin coming down the pike,” said one Democratic source. “This is… we’re probably just gonna have to let this one slide.”
Hey Internet,
Remember that time we had a blog? It was called Sibling & Charybdis, and it was everything you ever dreamed of. Assuming your dreams were very specific and strange. Then we got tired, so we stopped writing it.
But guess what, bitchlets?
WE’RE BAAAAAAAACCCK. Meet our new blog, Into the Friar!
We’ve backlogged our favorite posts, so that you can visit old gems such as How to Write Your Own Cosmo Sex Tips and Five Simple Rules for Making a Movie with Sam Worthington.
And now we’re going to write new ones! Because that’s how a blog works. Yep.
New content coming soon.
Love,
Ann & Shawn
By Shawn
It’s been a long winter, but the weather’s finally getting nice in New England. I imagine lots of people are gonna be out today enjoying the first 60 degree day we’ve had in ages. But just because it seems like spring is finally here, that doesn’t mean we should forgive nature for the blizzards it decided to throw our way. Some sort of protest is warranted. In that spirit, I’d like propose a new line of belligerent spring and summer wear.
Let the angry fashion show commence:
This winter was terrible. Never forget.
By Ann
Surprisingly powerful words: “I know what you’re thinking, but…”
I never truly appreciated the power of this little phrase until the fateful night of March 27th, 2013. The night I decided to bake cookies for my boyfriend’s birthday.
You see, when it comes to baking delicious things that are terrible for you, I am quite the aficionada. I don’t get to bake often enough, so when I do, I’m determined to find the perfect dessert. I dig through a trove of blogs and recipes on a mission to dazzle the recipient of my floury-buttery love.
Grant just so happens to love the classic chocolate-peanut butter combo. So, when I saw the link for peanut butter cookies with chocolate chunks, I was already 99% sold. Then I looked at the recipe. It looked solid enough, except… EXCEPT: it called for chocolate bars broken into chunks instead of chocolate chips. For you bakers out there, you know this can be an iffy situation. Chocolate chips have stabilizers that stop them from melting too much when you bake them. Chocolate bars do not.
So, when I saw this, my first thought was, “I don’t know about this. It seems like those chocolate bars are going to explode all over the baking sheet and ruin these cookies.”
But then, as I looked over the recipe, my eyes caught on the phrase, “I know what you’re thinking, but…”! The blogger had read my mind. She explained how the melty goodness of the bars enhanced the recipe and how they would turn out fine.
“Well, okay, baking blogger,” I resolved. “Since you knew what I was thinking and expressly addressed my concern, I’ll go ahead and make ‘em as is.”
I made ‘em as is. And as I placed the dough balls on the cookie sheets, I thought, “Boy, these chocolate bar chunks really look like they’re going to explode out of the cookies and ruin everything.”
But then again, she did say, “I know what you’re thinking, but…”
I put them in the oven.
Eight minutes later I took them out.
The chocolate bars had exploded everywhere, burned, and ruined the cookies.
Did I mention it was 1 am? And that my boyfriend’s birthday was the following day? And that I was meeting him first thing in the morning?
YOU BETRAYED ME, BAKING BLOGGER. I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU BETRAYED ME.
I had plenty of time to mull over the error of my ways as I set about preparing brownies until 2 in the morning. Not only did I realize that it was that one line that had made me trust her, but also that this had happened once before.
There had been another recipe, some abomination called Candy Chicken. It had called for cooking chicken in a crockpot with brown sugar, soda, and vinegar. “Boy,” I thought, “that seems like it would be way too sweet.” But then the cooking blogger said, “I know what you’re thinking, but…” and explained how it wasn’t too sweet.
“Well, okay,” I thought, and made it.
Guess what?
WAY TOO SWEET.
So apparently, I will do anything as long as you address my obvious concern with the phrase, “I know what you’re thinking, but…”
And that got me thinking. It is April Fool’s after all. I can’t be the only one with this Achilles’ heel.
Just think of the power one could yield with this. I could start a recipe blog called, “I Know What You’re Thinking, But…”
Then I’d post a recipe for muffins that calls for a whole cup of baking soda:
“I know what you’re thinking: one whole cup of baking soda?! Won’t those explode all over my oven? I know it seems like that’s obviously what will happen. But, no, don’t worry about it. It will be totally fine.”
Or one for enchiladas that calls for twenty-nine Carolina Reaper peppers:
“I know what you’re thinking: aren’t Carolina Reapers the hottest peppers on earth? Won’t these enchiladas taste like Sherman’s March to the Sea in my mouth? Well, you’d think that, but no, the baking really mellows out the flavor. Make sure you include all the peppers’ seeds or you’ll hardly taste them at all!”
Or one for pork chops that calls for a live pig:
“I know what you’re thinking: do I really have to slaughter this pig myself? Won’t that be disgusting, traumatic, and wholly unnecessary? But no, trust me, it’s going to make a big difference in the flavor. Just make sure to lay out a tarp to cover your living room carpet first. If your pig is nervous, give him a Valium. If you’re nervous, take three Valiums yourself.”
Then I’d invite those two bloggers to look at it and disable comments so no one can warn them.
Of course, I wouldn’t actually do this. Because UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I understand that with great power comes great responsibility.
Now you have been warned, readers. Beware the words, “I know what you’re thinking, but….” And if you must use them yourself, for the sake of idiots like me everywhere, please be careful.
By Shawn
I wrote a post a while back, titled Tumblr Memes, I Will Conquer You, in which I tried start a Tumblr meme of my own. At the time, I thought I had found the winning formula for Tumblr meme success:
animals or celebrities + whatever the hell = winning at the Internet
Unfortunately, the Tumblr this produced, Squirrels with Awesome Facial Hair, failed to take off for some reason. Possibly part of the problem was that I only posted three images and then decided I didn’t care anymore. But I think the real issue is that I was working off of a bad formula. After some reflection and soul-searching, I’ve decided to revise it extensively. Now it goes:
animals AND celebrities + whatever the hell = winning at the Internet
So let’s give this thing another whirl, this time using hedgehogs, Beatrix Potter drawings, and crazed German filmmaker Werner Herzog.
Without further ado, I give you Werner Hedgehog:
More at the link: http://wernerhedgehog.tumblr.com/
By Ann
Did I mention I’m looking for jobs right now? Sometimes, this is what that feels like:
Are you up for a challenge? Our organization is seeking a motivated, self-starter to serve in an entry-level administrative assistant role.
Posting Date: Today.
Start Date: Yesterday. Your application is now late.
Responsibilities:
– Answer the phone and man the front desk
– Perform administrative organizational tasks
– Maintain all databases with up-to-date information
– Manage organization’s online presence
– Write and design daily newsletter
– E-mail that daily newsletter to everyone we have ever worked with in any capacity
– Print out that daily newsletter and mail a hard copy to those same people
– Find those people, go up to them individually, and ask, “Hey, did you get that newsletter I sent you?”
– If they seem evasive, narrow your eyes and say, “I know you got it. Go back and read it. Carefully.”
– They probably won’t. But that’s why God invented stalking. Get to it.
– Additional responsibilities include: graphic design, video production, coding our website, doing our laundry, cooking our meals, and dancing without pants for the CEO’s entertainment.
Location:
We have offices in Washington, DC; New York, NY; Seattle, Washington; and throughout Mexico. The ideal candidate will be able to travel between all of the above and also to Narnia, where he or she will be expected to end the endless winter. Travel will not be reimbursed.
Qualifications:
– Ability to work minimum of 70 hours per week, as well as nights and weekends as required, without notice, consideration, or reasonable compensation.
– High-level proficiency with Microsoft Office; Adobe Creative Suite; Video editing software including Final Cut Pro, iMovie, and all the other programs we can’t be bothered to look up at the moment, but will hold you accountable for; Coding expertise in HTML, XML, CSS, TEI, XQL, DFQUIBBLY, FIZZBOT, and RTTTRRTTTRRRRRRR
– 10-15 years professional experience as an entry-level administrative assistant
– A Bachelor’s Degree in a related field
– An additional Bachelor’s Degree in an unrelated field to show your varied interests
– A Masters in Marine Biology because most of us like fish
– A PhD in Comparative Literature (a published dissertation reflecting on The Tale of Genji’s cross-cultural influence is PREFERRED, but not required)
– A positive attitude and basic lack of self-respect is a must. If you come in with daddy issues, we can get you the rest of the way.
Compensation:
Nothing. Go kill yourself.
By Shawn
For those of you who aren’t familiar with http://www.slate.com, Slate is a “news” site that specializes in needlessly contrarian articles on nothing. Even though I know better, I check the site from time to time, and occasionally they come up with a headline that gets the better of me.
Recently, for example, they posted an article entitled, “Could Asteroid Mining Plan Violate Space Law?”* I saw this, and I thought to myself, “Alright, Slate. You got me. My curiosity is piqued. But if the conclusion of this article is, ‘No one knows, because there’s no such thing as Space Law,’ I’m never going to forgive you.”
Well, guess what. From the last page of the article: “Whichever interpretation you prefer, it is clear that there is no international regime explicitly governing asteroid mining.” I hate you, Slate. I hate everything you stand for. Why would you get me excited about Space Law and then tell me there’s no Space Law?
That whole article was a cynical exercise in toying with my heart. And that’s why I’m giving away Slate’s secrets. I’ve discovered that every Slate article follows a predictable pattern:
1.) Provocative, counterintuitive headline.
2.) Brief statement of case for counterintuitive thing.
3.) Quotations from underqualified bozos who think counterintuitive thing.
4.) Quotation from an actual expert who affirms conventional wisdom and makes you wonder why you ever read the article.
5.) Stupid throwaway line about the importance of the issue for the future.
Now that you know this, you can easily write your own Slate-style articles. Here’s a short example I’ve thrown together:
Is Sesame Street Too Sexy for Your Toddler?
Sesame Street is one of the most beloved programs on television, praised by parents and educators alike for its positive message and successful inculcation of basic math and literacy skills. But a growing chorus of bozos argue the show is too sexually explicit for children.
“That Big Bird is just tooooo sexy,” said Peter Walton, a madman we found in a barn. “What with them big sexy chicken legs. Stop dressin’ so sexy, ya big sexy chicken!”
David Henderson, a child psychologist whose major qualification is a fake degree he scrawled on a napkin, seconds Walton’s assessment. “COOKIE MONSTER SEXY SEXY I LOVE DELICIOUS LSD, M’BOY!!!”
But some argue that this is an extremely contrived non-story. “This seems like an extremely contrived non-story,” said Sarah Eagleton, the first normal person we talked to. “Why would you write an article on this?”
One thing’s for sure. Whichever side you take, the heated debate about Sesame Street isn’t going away any time soon.
By Shawn
Into the Friar 