Anxiety: Hey, bud, wanna think about the fuuuuuture?
Me: No. It’s 1:30am.
Anxiety: That’s the perfect time to think about the fuuuuuture, when everyone else is asleep and no one can hear you scream.
Me: Come on, Anxiety, this is a played out trope. We don’t have to do this. Mix things up. You could be on my side this time?
Anxiety: I am on your side, buddy! I just want what’s best for you.
Me: Okay. Great.
Anxiety: And what’s best for you is considering all the ways everything you’ve ever done or not done could come back to destroy you.
Me: I’ve got an idea. Let’s focus on deep breathing: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2—
Anxiety: I’ve got another idea. Everyone you’ve ever loved is going to die.
Me: Oh, come on!
Anxiety: What? I don’t want them to. I’m just saying, they definitely will. Every single one. That’s the circle of life, you know.
Me: Yeah, okay. Probably not for awhile, though.
Anxiety: Well, you don’t know that. They could die any time.
Me: They probably won’t.
Anxiety: That’s arbitrary optimism. Life is a hideous soup of chaos. You could wake up tomorrow and one of your parents could have died in the night.
Me: I don’t think that’s—
Anxiety: What would you do without your parents? That would be so traumatic.
Me: We don’t have to think about this right now.
Anxiety: You’ll have to think about it sometime. There’s no way your parents will outlive you. Unless…!
Me: Do we have to jump to—?
Anxiety: You could die, too. At any time. You could be walking outside and BAM, TREE BRANCH TO THE HEAD! That could kill you, you know.
Me: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Anxiety: Remember, hideous chaos soup.
Me: I know it’s not impossible. Just, statistically speaking—
Anxiety: Oh, you want to talk about the most statistically likely ways to die? I know lots about that. Heart disease, cancer… you could get hit by a car! Do you know how dangerous driving is? If you die young, that’s probably how you’ll die.
Me: Well, I really can’t control that, so let’s just hope it’s quick and that’s the end of that, okay?
Anxiety: Okay, you’re right. Let’s focus on things you can control. Since you could die at any time, I hope you’re satisfied with how you’re living each and every day. Would you say that you’re 100% satisfied?
Me: No one is 100% satisfied.
Anxiety: Someone better than you is.
Me: Okay. Settle down.
Anxiety: I can’t settle down. Every second you’re lying here not working on your goals is another second all your dreams could die.
Me: I should sleep now, so I can do better work tomorrow.
Anxiety: Sounds like quitter-talk to me, but if that’s what quitter-you thinks is best…
Me: I do think that’s what’s best. So just shut up, okay? You’re not helping. Shut up.
Anxiety: Hey, what time is it?
Me: I don’t care.
Anxiety: Wow, now it’s past 2am. That’s a lot of time you’ve just been lying here.
Me: I’m doing my best.
Anxiety: Lying here doing nothing…
Me: I’m trying to sleep!
Anxiety: Tick tock, motherfucker.
Me: Stop it. STOP IT. Deep breathing: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 6, 5, 4—
Anxiety: Pretty sure you’re supposed to count to 8.
Me: It doesn’t matter what I count to. 1, 2, 3—
Anxiety: Did I mention everyone you love could die?
Me: That’s it. I’m playing goddamn Candy Crush.