By Ann
Look, no one wants anything bad to happen to Santa, and I’m not saying anything will. But let’s face it, in 2016, nothing is safe and everything is terrible. It’s time to hedge our bets. Because the last thing this god-forsaken year needs is for some hideous happenstance to cancel Christmas.
In the event something does happen and we wind up in some kooky situation à la The Nightmare Before Christmas or The Santa Clause, we’re gonna need someone to fill Santa’s shoes. That’s why it’s incumbent on each and every one of us to ask ourselves: if Santa goes down, do I have the jingle balls it takes to fill his giant red stretch pants?
Well, there’s only one way to find out, and it’s by taking this quiz:
- Do you have a broad face and a little round belly, that shakes when you laugh, like a bowl full of jelly?
- A.) Why, yes! I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!
- B.) That is not how I would describe my current face or belly.
- C.) I’ve put on 15 pounds since the election, and I’ve got enough problems without you fat-shaming me, you jolly-ass fuckers.
- D.) I consist of spiraling black ether, so not really.
- Do you believe in peace on earth and good will towards men?
- A.) Of course!
- B.) I hadn’t really thought about it. Sure, why not?
- C.) I don’t believe in anything anymore
- D.) With every action I take, I actively seek to destroy humanity.
- Would you describe your eyes as twinkling?
- A.) Wink, wink, dazzle, dazzle!
- B.) Uhhhh, maybe in the right light…
- C.) Does shiny with tears count?
- D.) My eyes have a flat, smooth luster—vermillion stars of blood replete with knowledge of what’s to come.
- Complete this sentence. All I want for Christmas is:
- A.) You, my two front teeth, or to make others’ dreams come true.
- B.) Pokemon Sun & Moon dual pack! J/K, already bought it.
- C.) Hillary Clinton to hold me while I sob.
- D.) To turn the earth inside out, so that the top is magma and the core is the screams of the innocent.
- How do you feel about candy canes?
- A.) What a festive winter treat!
- B.) They’re all right if you’re in the mood for sugar topped with red dye.
- C.) They’re terrible. Everything is terrible.
- D.) Your feeble candy spears won’t save you from the reaping.
- Let’s hear your best Santa laugh.
- A.) Ho, ho, ho!
- B.) Hee, hee, hee!
- C.) *Long windy sigh.*
- D.) *The sounds of disemboweling*
- Which of the following are the correct names of Santa’s reindeer?
- A.) Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, & sometimes Rudolph.
- B.) Rudolph! Are there more? Oh, uh, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Fancer, Dunder, Blunder, Mustard… wait, did I say Rudolph?
- C.) Prozac, Wozac, Fussy, and Dead Inside.
- D.) All are known as Cerberus. The ringleader is known as Shiny Cerberus.
- What’s your favorite Christmas song?
- A.) “Here Comes Santa Claus”
- B.) I know this one: Die Hard!! Oh, you said song.
- C.) I hate Christmas songs, and this entire quiz.
- D.) *The sounds of disemboweling, this time followed by slurping*
- If you had a big sack, what would you fill it with?
- A.) Toys!
- B.) Corgis!
- C.) Opium.
- D.) Inside of said sack, there will be things that must not be named, covered in words that must not be read, written in a tongue that must never be spoken.
- How would you approach climbing down a chimney?
- A.) My body is made of magic. I’d float down and land without a scratch.
- B.) Look, I’m no James Bond, but I know my way around a suction cup.
- C.) I’d fall. I’d just fall and come what may.
- D.) I would not enter the chimney from above, but from beneath the earth. The cackles of maddened worshippers would greet me. Those I do not consume, I will enslave.
Okay, moment of truth! Count up your answers.
Mostly As:
Wow, no doubt about it, you’re a great candidate for Santa! Are you sure you aren’t already Santa? In any case, there’s no way we’re letting such a qualified back up slip through our hands. We’ve traced your IP address, and the government is on its way to collect you.
Mostly Bs:
In a pinch, you might be an OK Santa. No one thinks you’re going to do that well, but then again, people were somehow okay with Tim Allen. So what do we know?
Mostly Cs:
We can’t really tell if you’d be a good candidate for Santa, but we can tell that you’re extremely depressed. We don’t blame you. If it’s any comfort, you’re certainly not alone.
Mostly Ds:
No. After careful review, we do not think you would make a very good Santa. On the bright side, we might suggest alternate career paths such as Cthulu, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or President of the United States.
Into the Friar 