In the interest of getting our blog off to a good start, we figured it was only proper to introduce ourselves. So naturally, we decided to interview each other.
An Interview with Ann, by Shawn
Shawn (S): I want to start with some basic biographical questions. Where are you from originally?
Ann (A): Maryland. PG. Represent. Which you know.
S: If this is going to work, you’re going to have to accept the premise here.
A: Fine. Continue.
S: Tell us a little about Maryland as a state. What is your favorite thing about the state bird?
A: I like that it sucks less than the sports team named after it. That being said, however, you gotta love that the O’s never give up and never surrender.
S: Just like the Japanese. Well, I guess they finally did surrender. It just took two atrocities. What would you say is your favorite historical atrocity?
A: Probably your birth.
S: I expected that answer.
S: Let’s change the subject. How do you feel about the bombing of Dresden?
A: I mean, not great. You know, it being a bombing and all.
S: Alright, we’ll talk about something different.
S: In the Boer Wars, the British waged a series of campaigns designed to protect their South African holdings against the Boer republics. Do you think the extreme measures employed by the British were justifiable in light of their war aims?
A: Let me answer that question by posing a question to you. In light of my aim to not answer any more questions about historical atrocities, do you think it would be justifiable for me to terminate your existence by burying you under the ocean?
S: Touché. Moving on, tell us a little bit about your present endeavors. What projects are you working on these days?
A: These days, I spend most of my time freelancing and trying not to waste vast quantities of time poking around the internet. Also, I’ve been researching recipes to make in my crock pot. These goals are antithetical.
S: That must not leave a lot of time to adopt scores of children and kill them one by one in a sawmill.
A: It does not.
S: How do you manage it, then?
A: I have shockingly little to say on the subject.
S: I’m disappointed, but hardly shocked. That’s okay, everything I want to know I’m sure they will shortly reveal in the papers. Moving on. What is your favorite color, on a scale of 1-10?
A: Purple, on a scale of 7. Now what, Shawn? Now what?
S: Let’s move on to return to the irritating line of questioning about the Boer Wars. Winston Churchill first made a name for himself as a correspondent reporting on the Second Boer War. He would later go on to lead the United Kingdom in its war against the Nazis. Would you describe yourself as an active member of the Nazi party, or merely a sympathizer?
A: No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my god, no.
S: Let’s move on. I’m going to ask you a series of brief questions. Paper or plastic?
S: Boxers or briefs?
S: Did you kill those children, or are you a Nazi?
A: STOP IT.
S: Okay, new question. Tell me about your childhood. What is your favorite childhood memory?
A: Maybe playing Juliet in our 7th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
S: Was that your first time on stage?
A: No. My first time on stage would have been the year before, when I was in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I was a Mistress of Illusion–which, it turned out, was another way of saying Narrator who will be dressed in only a unitard and a couple of strategically placed scarves. I was a chubby middle schooler. It was terrible for everyone.
S: But you’d later go on to star in other productions?
A: Indeed. I was the talk of the town.
S: Did you ever have the chance to go inside Ford’s Theatre?
A: Is this leading up to an elaborate series of questions in which you accuse me of trying to assassinate President Lincoln?
S: No. Don’t be silly. Were you ever in a production of Our American Cousin?
A: This interview is over.
S: And that concludes our interview with self-described Nazi John Wilkes Booth.