WASHINGTON – This morning, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced the nomination of Dr. Steven Ixxxzyx to head NASA, a surprise move that has caught both his supporters and critics off-guard. A figure little known to the Washington establishment, Mr. Trump claims that Dr. Ixxxzyx will bring a fresh outsider’s perspective to an agency that has become overly preoccupied with partisan, political issues, such as climate change.
Insiders close to the transition team say that Dr. Ixxxzyx was not among the initial list of candidates to lead the agency, but Mr. Trump began hearing the name chanted quietly at night as he attempted to fall asleep. Becoming increasingly interested in “this guy I keep hearing about,” Mr. Trump had his team locate Dr. Ixxxzyx and arrange a meeting.
Over a sumptuous dinner at Jean Georges, Dr. Ixxxzyx reportedly impressed Mr. Trump with repetitive, guttural bleatings of “O great one, I will serve you,” convincing the president-elect that he would demonstrate the degree of loyalty Mr. Trump expects from his appointees.
Mr. Trump (left) and Dr. Ixxxzyx dining at Jean Georges. The president-elect reportedly enjoyed a bowl of garlic soup, while Dr. Ixxxzyx ordered several courses of “Snails, more SNAILS!!”
Dr. Ixxxzyx, who holds a degree in “Human Science” from the University of [Untranslatable Cacophony], expressed his eagerness to take on the job in a press conference held earlier today. “Am grateful to foolish orange hair-beast. Can now proceed to Phase Two. Praise be to local deities and country,” the doctor told reporters.
At the conference, Dr. Ixxxzyx also forcefully rebutted concerns that he lacks the qualifications to succeed in the position. “Am much qualified. Am not member of dying race wanting to survive by mating with humans. Will make no hybrids to conquer anything.”
If confirmed, Dr. Ixxxzyx plans to steer the agency away from its recent emphasis on unmanned exploration, focusing instead on missions crewed via a country-wide search for “nubile” candidates with “ovaries unblemished.”
While many agree that NASA is due for shake-up, a number of critics question Dr. Ixxxzyx’s ability to serve as an effective director. “The guy’s a fucking alien,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-NY). “I mean, he’s wearing a fake mustache, but it’s still really, really obvious. What is even happening anymore?”
Although most ranking Democrats are opposed to Dr. Ixxxzyx’s nomination, they admit they are unlikely to put up much of a fight. “Honestly, we’ve got to pick our battles, what with Rex Tillerson, Jeff Sessions, and Steve Mnuchin coming down the pike,” said one Democratic source. “This is… we’re probably just gonna have to let this one slide.”