Pilling Your Cat: A Beginner’s Guide
What you will need:
pills for the cat
- Make sure you have a cat and that it’s alive (see “What you will need”).
- Check that your cat has some kind of medical problem—if it doesn’t, you can stop right here.
- Get the pills that are supposed to fix whatever is wrong with the cat.
- Make sure that the cat doesn’t like the taste of the pills, because that will increase the challenge.
- Try to feed pill to cat and fail spectacularly.
- Go out and spend a bunch of money on pill pockets.
- Make sure that the cat doesn’t like the taste of the pill pockets; this should be easy, because you own a cat, and it wants this to be terrible for you.
- Put the pill in the pill pocket and feed it to the cat.
- What a surprise, the cat won’t eat it.
- Attempt to force feed it to the cat.
- What’s that? The cat spit it out? As though it were a complete waste of money? As though your time and effort mean nothing?
- Hey, I know. The cat likes treats. What if you mashed up some treats and coated the pill in the treat dust?
- Sees right through your ruse. Hates the pill. Hates you.
- Maybe force-feeding wasn’t working because the pill keeps sticking to the inside of the cat’s mouth. What about coating it in a little olive oil and giving it another try?
- Okay, toooo much olive oil.
- No, stop spitting—stop spitting the pill out. You’re getting covered in olive oil. You look like an otter caught in a BP spill.
- Look, here’s a treat. Here’s a normal treat. Mmm. Good, right? Maybe the next thing I feed you will be a treat? Maybe give it a try, huh?
- No more treats until you take this. Stop meowing. Real treats are for closers.
- For the love of Moses, this pill is to fix your stupid bowels! DON’T YOU WANT TO POOP LIKE A NORMAL CAT?!?
- Oh come on, don’t run away. Don’t track your oil-stained body through the—no, get off the couch. Oh god, it’s covered in—no, not the blanket, it sheds—you’re tarring and feathering yourself, just—
- You’re an oil slick covered in blanket fuzz, and you’ve wedged yourself under the couch.
- Mmkay, well, I guess we’ll have to try this again later. How many pills a day are you supposed to take again?
- Sell cat. Purchase plant.